undisguised contemplation--more especially in view of the fact
that I had come there not only to look at, but also to number
myself sincerely and wholeheartedly with, the mob. As for my
secret moral views,. I had no room for them amongst my actual,
practical opinions. Let that stand as written: I am writing only
to relieve my conscience. Yet let me say also this: that from
the first I have been consistent in having an intense aversion
to any trial of my acts and thoughts by a moral standard.
Another standard altogether has directed my life. . . .
As a matter of fact, the mob was playing in exceedingly foul
fashion. Indeed, I have an idea that sheer robbery was going on
around that gaming-table. The croupiers who sat at the two ends
of it had not only to watch the stakes, but also to calculate
the game--an immense amount of work for two men! As for the crowd
itself--well, it consisted mostly of Frenchmen. Yet I was not
then taking notes merely in order to be able to give you a
description of roulette, but in order to get my bearings as to
my behaviour when I myself should begin to play. For example, I
noticed that nothing was more common than for another's hand to
stretch out and grab one's winnings whenever one had won. Then
there would arise a dispute, and frequently an uproar; and it
would be a case of "I beg of you to prove, and to produce
witnesses to the fact, that the stake is yours."
At first the proceedings were pure Greek to me. I could only
divine and distinguish that stakes were hazarded on numbers, on
"odd" or "even," and on colours. Polina's money I decided to
risk, that evening, only to the amount of 100 gulden. The
thought that I was not going to play for myself quite unnerved
me. It was an unpleasant sensation, and I tried hard to banish
it. I had a feeling that, once I had begun to play for Polina, I
should wreck my own fortunes. Also, I wonder if any one has EVER
approached a gaming-table without falling an immediate prey to
superstition? I began by pulling out fifty gulden, and staking
them on "even." The wheel spun and stopped at 13. I had lost!
With a feeling like a sick qualm, as though I would like to make
my way out of the crowd and go home, I staked another fifty
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