florins, and go and play roulette with them. Win as much for me
as you can, for I am badly in need of money.
So saying, she called Nadia back to her side, and entered the
Casino, where she joined the rest of our party. For myself, I
took, in musing astonishment, the first path to the left.
Something had seemed to strike my brain when she told me to go
and play roulette. Strangely enough, that something had also
seemed to make me hesitate, and to set me analysing my feelings
with regard to her. In fact, during the two weeks of my absence
I had felt far more at my ease than I did now, on the day of my
return; although, while travelling, I had moped like an
imbecile, rushed about like a man in a fever, and actually
beheld her in my dreams. Indeed, on one occasion (this happened
in Switzerland, when I was asleep in the train) I had spoken
aloud to her, and set all my fellow-travellers laughing. Again,
therefore, I put to myself the question: "Do I, or do I not
love her?" and again I could return myself no answer or,
rather, for the hundredth time I told myself that I detested
her. Yes, I detested her; there were moments (more especially at
the close of our talks together) when I would gladly have given
half my life to have strangled her! I swear that, had there, at
such moments, been a sharp knife ready to my hand, I would have
seized that knife with pleasure, and plunged it into her breast.
Yet I also swear that if, on the Shlangenberg, she had REALLY
said to me, "Leap into that abyss," I should have leapt into
it, and with equal pleasure. Yes, this I knew well. One way or
the other, the thing must soon be ended. She, too, knew it in
some curious way; the thought that I was fully conscious of her
inaccessibility, and of the impossibility of my ever realising
my dreams, afforded her, I am certain, the keenest possible
pleasure. Otherwise, is it likely that she, the cautious and
clever woman that she was, would have indulged in this
familiarity and openness with me? Hitherto (I concluded) she had
looked upon me in the same light that the old Empress did upon
her servant--the Empress who hesitated not to unrobe herself
before her slave, since she did not account a slave a man. Yes,
often Polina must have taken me for something less than a man!"
<<BackPagesChoose a page of the bookForward>>