I walked rapidly through the dark shop into the familiar drawing-
room, where there was only one candle burning, and stood still in
amazement: there was no one there. "Where are they?" I asked somebody.
But by now, of course, they had separated. Before me was standing a
person with a stupid smile, the "madam" herself, who had seen me
before. A minute later a door opened and another person came in.
Taking no notice of anything I strode about the room, and, I believe, I
talked to myself. I felt as though I had been saved from death and was
conscious of this, joyfully, all over: I should have given that slap, I should
certainly, certainly have given it! But now they were not here and ...
everything had vanished and changed! I looked round. I could not realise
my condition yet. I looked mechanically at the girl who had come in: and
had a glimpse of a fresh, young, rather pale face, with straight, dark
eyebrows, and with grave, as it were wondering, eyes that attracted me at
once; I should have hated her if she had been smiling. I began looking at
her more intently and, as it were, with effort. I had not fully collected my
thoughts. There was something simple and good-natured in her face, but
something strangely grave. I am sure that this stood in her way here, and
no one of those fools had noticed her. She could not, however, have been
called a beauty, though she was tall, strong-looking, and well built. She
was very simply dressed. Something loathsome stirred within me. I went
straight up to her.
I chanced to look into the glass. My harassed face struck me as
revolting in the extreme, pale, angry, abject, with dishevelled hair. "No
matter, I am glad of it," I thought; "I am glad that I shall seem repulsive
to her; I like that."
VI
... Somewhere behind a screen a clock began wheezing, as though
oppressed by something, as though someone were strangling it. After an
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